Its funny how you always hear from the one person you don't want to...

Strange thing how accurate the title really can seem to be. Recently I have heard from one such person, one of which caused me no end of issues towards the end of last year.

This person was the one who decided that after leading me on for a little while, she didn't want to know. Thereafter she decided actually she did and then started screwing me around once again almost straight away again. Now a handful of months later, lo and behold, who do I hear from? Seems absolutely barmy to me!

I mean what does she think I'm going to do? Welcome her communication with open arms and a blissful 'oh don't worry about it, I forgive you' kind of line? Does she not think I don't have any respect for myself?

What is especially funny is her timing. She has decided to contact me right after I've met someone who I really like and hope to see more of. True its very very early days as yet and I've met this new woman only the once so far. I have a degree of cautious optimism, I'm not going to let myself run away with it and think 'oh she's the one' or anything daft and stupid like that, but currently from outset, she seems really great and I have hopes that things may develop.

But it makes me laugh as it proves what I have said to people before....that those ladies who I have any kind of relationship with or anything, generally want to come back to me. There are numerous examples of this just like this one.

One brilliant example is my ex-fiancee who only last year having been split with me for over 3 years decided that she wanted to contact me (via a dating site no less!) and invite me out for a drink citing 'whats the worst that can happen?' Of course she seemed blissfully ignorant of the fact that I can't stand her and how she treated me back in the day and have no wish to ever see her again, least of all go out for a sodding drink with her!

I'm not sure exactly why it is that these people do this, try to come back into my life I mean. I have a thought however, a potential explanation which both horrifies and amuses me at the same time. That thought is that these people are ones who once they fuck me about, once they have had their fill of  treating me like crap, suddenly realise and come to the conclusion that actually I was a really decent guy. Perhaps they are just used to men being fucktards around them, I don't know (although clearly there are plenty of those too) and therefore cannot respond in a decent enough fashion when they finally have someone in their life worth having. Its only once I'm gone that they think 'shit, I may have missed an opportunity there' and want to creep back again.

What horrifies me about this thought though is it gives me the thoughts of 'is this what I'm going to always get?' and 'am I ever going to find someone who wants me for me, will treat me with proper respect and dignity and not want to screw me around?'

I can only hope that these thoughts are not going to be accurate, that I don't end up in a perpetual cycle of this and can break free. After all, I'm worth more than that right?

NEWS!

Doesn't seem quite so long ago that I last posted, but clearly it has been. Several weeks in fact, oops! And to think that the intention was to be keeping regular posts/updates etc. Ah well, there have been reasons.
The reason itself is the now factual brilliant news that after years of trying, I have finally been promoted. Technically it is on a temporary six month basis, but the potential is certainly there for this to be extended or indeed made fully permanent.

The promotion itself? Means that rather than be taking calls and dealing with customers and thats all, means that instead I'll be assisting in running the show as it were, helping manage the team and develop and enhance the performance too. All good things and a good step career wise. Even if it doesn't for whatever reason work its way out to be extended or anything, the very fact that I will have had experience in being a Senior person will be massively beneficial in the future.

I am a hugely ambitious person and fundamentally it has been extremely frustrating at times over the years to not be kicking on as I have wanted to do. Now it seems patience and hard work is paying off.

It also means that in order to help to push further, I will now be studying hard over the next few months doing another CII qualification. Technically I have a 2 year window in which this needs to be completed (alongside of a couple of others, I've already done) but I'm not one to rest on their laurels, I intend to fully kick on and get things moving.

The way I see it, I currently have just got my foot in the door, now I need to kick the bugger open fully and will do everything possible in order to make it happen.

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Christmas.....I just don't feel the buzz

Ah that time of year again...Christmas, the season to be jolly - apparently.

Except the past few christmases, I've just not quite been bitten with the holiday bug. Sure I enjoy myself, I see friends and family, go out and about, have a good time etc. But.... it's not something which I'm overly excited about. Long gone are the days when I would clocking down the days until it all happens, sure I kind of do now but its not the same. Namely now when I'm looking towards christmas, its more for the days off work than anything else, the ability to relax and rest up for a few extra days - always a good thing.

The main problems I have I suppose is the fact that it is so overly hyped and highlighted that by the time it actually gets here, I'm virtually sick of it. The media has got a lot to answer for in that respect. I mean, how absolutely fundamentally ridiculous is it when you see christmas stock in shops and being advertised in Sept/Oct time? Absolutely mental! The papers and TV also cannot help but highlight it, the age old countdown of shopping days left to christmas, the entire X Factor campaign designed to rig the christmas number one as much as they can possibly do with an over glorified karaoke contest winner obiliterating someones song AGAIN, shows dedicated to what to buy/cook/do for the big day sheesh - calm down honestly.

Maybe its a case that I'm just "too old for this shit" (at the grand old age of 29 no doubt. The magic and joy of christmas fades away with time admittedly but I don't know. I guess that in the next few years when (hopefully) I'll be lucky enough to have a partner and children, that the magic will restart itself, that christmas will be resusicated and saved by the fact that I'll be in a position where I can see the joy in the eyes of my nearest and dearest. In the meantime however it looks like its bah bloody humbug though!!!

Fallen Star

I have had a recent moment of creativity (and presumably boredom too!) and have crafted the below poem. It is as the heading suggests entitled, Fallen Star - enjoy.

Everything seemed so brilliant
Everything seemed so right
Now the wool is off my eyes
And I can see the light

You're my fallen angel
You're my fallen star
I didn't know before
But now I can see you for what you really are

Regardless of all that has happened
I'm not all that downbeat
For I can see that under it all
You have the potential to be lovely and sweet

You're my fallen angel
You're my fallen star
Everything which has happened
Is really quite bizarre

You'll shine again one day
Of which I have no doubt
All it takes is for you
To finally sort yourself out

You're my fallen angel
You're my fallen star
Someday we'll see your light
Shine again from afar

Everything Changes

It appears that my life is spinning into a mass of potential change over the next few weeks/months. A lot of this is my doing admittedly, I'm not in complainy mode or anything, just means that everything is a bloody blur.

First main thing which is coming up very soon is that there has been a massive reshuffle going on at work which appears to be potentially throwing up new opportunities for me (finally). The only issue I have is that there is every chance of going through interviews and more bloody interviews. I detest interviews with a passion. They irritate me, especially when I'm already in an organisation and I'm being interviewed by people who will have known my skill set and how I work and operate anyhow. I understand that this is necessity in terms of to make it fair and all that garb, but it's kind of aggravating in so many respects too. If it's already proven and shown for months/years just what you are capable of, surely it shouldn't boil down to just an hour or two of yapping? Of course my viewpoint may change immensely if I happen to bag a good role from it, but still!!

My last job had exactly the same way of working but in a much worse fashion. They employed rolling temps constantly and offered on a rare basis full company contracts, but you had to go through an elongated interview process to prove that you were capable of doing EXACTLY THE SAME job as you already were......just plain bizarre to me! We shall just have to see with this exactly how things go.

Second main thing is moving out. I live 30 miles ish away from my workplace and have to commute in every day, not the best thing in the world. I am very likely to finally be moving into Norwich and therefore save on the constant commuting in the new year. I am massively looking forward to this, not only as a time saving utility but also as more and more of my life seems to revolving around the city and it will be fantastic to be in amongst it all.

In addition, I am due to move in with a really good friend of mine who I have known for well over a year now care of my job. I know that some people may find it strange that I would move out and into a place with a female friend, I know that some people's immediate thought process is a nudge nudge wink wink scenario. This couldn't be further from the truth, my friend Emma is exactly that and that alone, a friend and a bloody good one at that. Sometimes good friends are hard to find, but with respect to her, I'm glad that I have her in my life along with so many other great people too. I count my lucky stars that I do have each day!

Besides, I'm kind of seeing someone anyway, who with any luck and a massive fingers crossed on it, will work out for me and I'll be a happy bouncy person as a result. She seems really great so far from what I can see and I can only hope that she sees things the same about me. It's very very early days and taking it very slowly, but if the result is good at the end then its definitely worth the wait :-)

So like I say, nothing along those lines at all. I'm just grateful for the opportunity of being able to move in with someone who I get along with, I know well and whom I can trust. Those kind of opportunities are few and far between and need to be snapped up if and when they come about.

The last main changing aspect of my life is that I'm currently in the process of getting the ol' driving license sorted out. Its never been something that I've ever really needed, much as though that surprises people. Yes, I commute in to work, but over the years I have saved over half of what I would shell out for if I was driving in. But now I've come to the conclusion, that I'm 30 next year, it's best to just get it out of the way. I may not bother getting a car or anything straight away, cos again frankly there isn't the need for it, but to have the license gives me flexibility.

I am nervous as hell over....well basically all these changes. They will benefit me immensely granted, but its nerve wracking to have so much going on all at once. Three big potential life defining changes all due to come through in the next handful of months and whilst still balancing everything else too.....hence blurry mindness!!!!

Immersed In Music

I went to a gig last night, it was for a band known as Turisas. Most people will not know of them or heard any of their music, but I was watching them and it got me thinking, thinking about music and its impact on me and my life as a whole.

I have a huge variety of music loves, there are a lot which tread into the heavier end of the spectrum and a lot which go the other way too.

In terms of the heavier end of the spectrum, this goes into rock, metal and many of the ranges within this field. A lot of people have dubbed this as loud and aggressive and I've even had it coined to me as scary music. Its interesting to note different peoples concepts and ideas when it comes down to music, especially the metal genre. I mean, why is it considered scary music? Sure its loud, sure theres shouting and screeching and screaming within it, but scary? I'm not too sure. Any music genre could be considered as scary, it's entirely a matter of perception and up to a certain degree the persons mood at the time.

I love my music and what I listen to, naturally (I'm hardly going to hate it now am I?). There are several reasons for this. It's down to the expressions which can be shown through the music itself. Sure metal for example comes across as loud and harsh and aggressive but that perception just doesn't sit with me. Areas of it yes, but contained within it are expressions of love, hate, happiness, ecstasy, sadness and disillusionment amongst many other emotions. Dependant on my mood, I can really connect to what the music is playing and what the band are emoting.

This doesn't stay with the heavier end of the spectrum either, many different genres of music show various themes and emotions which I can connect to, it's why I love it so much. Sometimes there is nothing better to have something heavy and beat driven playing like say, Soulfly. By the same way though, there are many occasions where I can find nothing better than to be listening to music almost minimalistic in its nature and design such as the early ambient works of Aphex Twin or the trance based works of Sasha or Deadmau5. Hell I even own Dido and The Cranberries in my collection amongst many others, like I say I have music tastes which are diverse as anything.

The one thing here is that I don't conform to the normal standard of liking a brand of music and thats it. Some people do and that is fine, but for me I like to branch out and get a taster for other areas too. This does however mean that in terms of conformity, what people see and view of me differs to what is generally considered to be the look for a genre. Example in point, most people to look at me would not immediately think that I liked metal music whatsoever, namely as I have no tattoos or piercings, my hair is short etc. This isn't to deride those who do look like that by any means, some cool people I know have what would be considered to be the atypical look of someone into that style of music. The same applies to other genres too.

But I quite like that though. I quite like the fact that I don't conform to the social norms, the fact that people will be and have been taken by surprise at what I'm listening to at any time. Its what I am, I'm not anything else other than just me.

The Second Chance Saloon

Something which I most certainly have been thinking recently is the viewpoint of the second chance, the proverbial try again option. Naturally on most things in life then of course there would be no hesitiation to do so, but on those incidents whereby you have been hurt and that, what would then be the stance?

A lot of people I know would believe that you've had your shot, thats it chance gone, see you later. Others however, and I know from seeing them, give chance after chance at the potential of being happy. It seems different people have their own perspective on the entire issue.

I have a prime example with one of my exes. I was seeing her for about a couple of months and then it went belly up, not of my doing, it just did. However a couple of months later we started seeing each other again and the relationship lasted for about two years worth. Sure not all times were good as most relationships experience, but fundamentally in my eyes, it was worth the second shot even though it ultimately came to a close.

My belief here is that up to a cetain degree, second chances are definitely worth a look. A third chance and more is entirely dependant on the scenario but fundamentally most of the time definitely not worth the hassle. If things don't work twice over, then unless a lot of things change, it won't on another go. I am more than willing to give things a second shot in the arm, to see if things can work their way out because unless you try again you'll never know. Certain things happen, go wrong and it is sad when they do, but rather than immediately shut off any chance of a "try again" I'd like to think that the door is always open for another go, to see if they can work out. After that though, there is no further door to go through, two chances and the game is up.